Brie Gowen

Savor the Essence of Life

Investing in the Future

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Today I was going through an app that allows me to see pictures I posted on social media from the time I had a smartphone, and as I was swiping left I came across a cherished photo. It was a black and white shot of my firstborn from six years ago, and I felt a bittersweet ache in my heart that got stuck as an emotional lump in my throat. As I gazed at the precious memory my eldest girl walked up.

Y’all, my child has gotten so tall, and when I saw her standing over my lounge chair poolside, in contrast to the tiny, chubby-cheeked babe on my phone, I was struck straight through the heart, as if an arrow representing the swift passage of time had pierced through to my marrow.

The most peculiar part, to me, was that I didn’t remain melancholy over how fast it all goes. Instead I felt a sense of contented joy, like everything was progressing as it should. I had zero regret for the things I should of/could of done, and though I wasn’t claiming a perfect parenting plan, I was pleased with our journey thus far. I didn’t feel so much like it was a cruel, fleeting season, but rather one I was savoring with vigor.

When I first became I mother I realized it was my greatest responsibility and most enjoyable tasking of life. I quickly discovered I wanted nothing more than to leave my nine to five and find a way to mother more. I was blessed at the time to find a position at my hospital where I could work less and be home more with little financial difference. Cause, come on, although a lot of men and/or women desire to see their children more, it doesn’t seem like it can always work out that way. I never took for granted the opportunity I had been afforded to spend time with my children while also working as a bedside nurse.

As life changed and seasons followed suit, I found circumstances altered, but my greatest goal never changed. Here’s what I didn’t want. I didn’t want other people raising my babies. They were my reward, and I didn’t want to hand that prize to another. But more than that, they were my legacy, my responsibility (which I took very seriously), and the ministry God had given me for this particular time of my life. I knew that my largest and most monumental heart desire was to be able to instill in my children the things I had been unaware of until adulthood. I wanted to raise them wholly aware of God’s hand in their life, and I desired to equip them with the wisdom of knowing they were not alone in the battles they faced. I needed them to see firsthand how joy-filled a life serving the Lord could be. I wanted them to have the opportunity to see things it had taken me forty years to discover.

This hefty, utmost knowledge I knew couldn’t be passed along in a thirty minute Sunday School lesson. It was something that must be instilled, but also modeled. It was something I had to walk out, showing them daily, and I wanted to be able to do it. As parents, my husband and I have made sacrifices to maintain our goals. We have downsized and let go of materialistic treasures, in favor of investing in what we consider our Heavenly Treasure. Our babies. To gain time with them we had to let go of the things that stole our time from them. I’m grateful we were given the desire and insight to make this work.

Not that I’ve obtained it yet, like, where I totally want to be, but I can look backwards and see improvement over time. Heck, a mere two-three years ago I was stuck in the hamster wheel too. I was running ragged, overbooking my schedule, over-extending myself, and sadly teaching my children that was normal. We were always going, rushing, and trying to fill commitments that weren’t necessary. Laundry was a chore, grocery shopping grueling, and the supper-time crunch exasperating. Why we call this normal, I’ll never know. I guess because it’s the way it’s always been, but with the addition of everyone critiquing our lives as we narrate them, or coveting how smoothly someone else’s story appears.

Thankfully, I can now proceed without regret, knowing I’m investing the most in what matters most. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on my children’s childhood. I have a ringside seat to their life. We homeschool largely in part because of our desire to not miss the majority of their life. I saw a story recently of schools possibly extending their hours. Can you imagine?!

We found an area of the country where we can work less but make a larger income, and on top of that we found a way to cut down our expenses. It was scary leaving our comfort zones, but totally worth it in the end. As the world gets faster and the focus convoluted, I see more people choosing to do things the way we are doing. Downsizing, minimalizing, and seeking opportunities to focus on family more. I’m thankful we realized it’s okay to step outside of the norm and pursue something different. Almost every day I see people voice their unhappiness with the pace of their life or with the lack of quality time with loved ones.

I guess I would just say to every discontented parent, “you can do it!” If you’re not happy with life, change it. Don’t be afraid to try something new. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone. Don’t be worried about what other people think, and don’t be scared to fail. You will never know if your life can improve if you stay stuck in your rut. Break out.

Maybe you’re happy with the way things are. That’s wonderful! But if you’re not consider this post your call to duty. It’s time to invest in what’s important in life, and it’s the people you love. I took care of a patient once who was on his death bed. In pleasant conversation I had told his wife about my life, how I traveled in an RV with my family, homeschooling, working a little, and having fun a lot. She was intrigued and enamored, as most people are, but I’ll never forget her words.

“I wish we had done that.”

You see, they had wanted to travel as a family, but they had waited. They waited until things settled down. They waited until a certain season passed. They waited until Junior finished school. Then they waited until retirement. One month into traveling her husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

“It’s too late now,” she had said.

Consider this your wake up call, your sign, if you will. Don’t wait another minute to follow your dreams and spend time doing what you love. You just think there’s no way out, but there’s always another way. It may involve sacrifice, and it might be frightening. People may try and talk you out of it, but I am encouraging you to try anyway. You will never know unless you take that step, and you’ll only regret what you didn’t do.

People Hurt When They are Hurting

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People hurt when they are hurting. We can know this, but when the pain is hurled in your direction, you forget.

First instinct? Fight back. Cut deeper, hit harder, pull out all the stops. Don’t admit where you’re wrong. Instead just focus on where the other party is in error.

Hurtful comments come from a hurting source. It’s easy to forget that. It’s easier to continue the chain of pain. To take the pain of another onto yourself. To become responsible for someone else’s pain.

What’s hard is understanding that everyone you know will fail you. It sounds pessimistic, but it’s just hard reality. No one wants to be the cause of someone else’s pain, but it happens unaware. At one point or another, every person you know will hurt you to one degree or another. It sounds terribly bleak, but it’s true. Even the people you hold the closest will disappoint you.

The only upside to the human condition is Jesus. He is the only one who can satisfy our hungry souls, and the only one who heals our pain rather than causing unintended distress. He is the only one who heals, not hurts. What we lack in ourselves is a kingdom perspective, an eternal view. We only see the here and now, not the ever after.

We are given this one life here on earth to do with the best we can. We’ll fail. We’ll hurt others, others will hurt us. We cannot change it, but we can try and handle how we perceive it all. We can grab ahold of our own offense before it wreaks havoc. We can try.

We are imperfect people who serve a perfect God, and the closer we get to Him, the closer we’ll get to seeing the truth of it all. Jesus is the only answer, and it sounds so rudimentary, yet it’s the fix we’re all craving. The cure for what ails you. The balm for your pain and the example for which we try and replicate. We can actually hurt others less as we walk in His way of thinking.

The things we can’t take with us we have to stop putting so much value in. And the things we can take with us, in them we must place more. We have to turn the other cheek, pray for those who hurt you, and walk intentionally to not hurt back. It’s not easy.

Let go of pain by grabbing hold of Him. Stop focusing on the fleeting things by seeking the eternal things. Find healing by looking for it in Christ rather than man. Surrender to Jesus; don’t collapse under the strain. It’s not easy.

Step 1. Spend time in prayer daily.

Step 2. Spend time in the Word daily.

Step 3. Spend time with other believers regularly (but don’t place your worth in them).

Step 4. Spend time in quietness of heart and mind listening for His wisdom and will.

Step 5. Spend time in the Word daily (purposely repeated for emphasis).

You cannot save yourself. Your family cannot save you, nor your friends. Your job, wealth, health, and security cannot fix your life. It’s not fair to those you love to place the responsibility of your happiness solely on their shoulders. Because they will let you down. Remember that the next time you lash out. No one can fix you, and you can’t fix anyone. Only Jesus. I’m sorry to upset what you’ve always been told. You see, the world tells you another person is the key to your joy, but that’s just not how we’re made. You can find happiness, you can find companionship, but you’ll only find healing and wholeness in the Lord. And that’s enough for now.

I’m a Lover

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“I hope I don’t say that too much,” I giggled out loud, in a self-conscious manner before being reminded of the truth.

He didn’t just love me in pieces.

It might sound crazy to some, but over time I have grown so close to Jesus that we’re in continuous conversation. I don’t have something pop-up and send out an emergency SOS or click the airplane icon with a quick email request to God. There’s no “Dear God, it’s me Margaret.” There’s simply an open, continuous line of dialogue. When I wake in the morning I speak to Him, and as I’m driving down the road (like this morning) I say it.

I love you.

After I uttered the words, words that came so naturally and in such passionate truth, words that poured out passively from my lips, I was briefly hampered by my human experience of love. I had to remind myself that Jesus didn’t love me like I had ever known.

I am frequently reminded in my mind, every time I say those three words, of my ex husband. When he told me he wasn’t happy in our marriage he was quick to tell me why. He had a laundry list in his head of things I did that irked him, reasons, if you will, for his discontent with the life we had built together.

“For example,” he had said, “you say I love you way too much!”

He painted a picture of my needy self, with desires to cuddle far too often, and an annoying need to proclaim my love for him out loud. I had always been a lover, not a fighter, and it seems he wanted me to fuss more and hug less. I wanted to be intimate more than once in a blue moon, and a hundred other nuances came to light. Most of them highlighting the fact that I wanted to love wholeheartedly, but that apparently wasn’t his cup of tea.

They, whoever “they” may be, are correct when they say intimate relationships join your very being to another, because it took me a long time to recover from our divorce. Even in the midst of the new, blessed relationship God had given me, I still had pain to recover from, and I was reminded this morning that I still had scars from it all.

In this world we are molded by our experiences. A fatherless child will have trouble relating to the Father Heart of God. Those who have suffered through abuse by those who are supposed to “love” them will have difficulty understanding Agape love. Those who have been rejected will have a problem trusting in the future, and sadly, the pictures others paint of us hang around. We become what has been spoken over us, because words are powerful, and we believe the lies the world whispers. We think we are our faults, our mistakes, our broken pasts. Performance based love that we have gotten used to will cloud our understanding of God’s love. And if you love someone who has been broken, they will hold back from your affections. They won’t want to, but they will. You’ll only get a piece of them.

This morning, as I once again proclaimed my affections to Jesus, I had to place His truth over my past experiences. I had to remind myself that He didn’t love me in part, but wholeheartedly. In fact, He relished my affections, and He smiled at my unbridled emotions. He reveled in my shouts of joy, and I could never be more than He could handle. He took all of me, with open arms, and more importantly He gave me all He had to offer.

I am so grateful that the Lord gave me a new marriage, with a man who is sensitive, emotional, and highly loving like myself. We’re lovers, and I’m so thankful for that relationship He gifted to me, redeeming my past, and bringing me an abundant future. But above all I am grateful for His love, the love of Jesus. I am grateful that He loves me more than I’ve ever known, and that He loves me bigger than the hurts I have experienced. It’s difficult to find love that gives all, but that unconditional love can be found in Christ. And I am blessed to know a Savior who loves me just as I am.

Here’s Your Sign

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I saw this sign outside of a public bathroom in the downtown Orlando area recently, and while I’m sure it’s commonplace in metro areas, it’s actually the first time I had seen this particular pictogram in person. I wasn’t the only one; my nine year old daughter also inquired of its meaning.

“What’s that mean, mom?” She asked, pointing to the half-dress, half-slack clad person.

I measured my words carefully and answered, “there are some people who may not be sure if they’re a girl or a boy. That’s a private bathroom just for them.”

And that was the end of it, for her anyway. I, on the other hand, have thought back on it a time or two. I felt like God was prompting me to speak on this sign, but I was hesitant. See, I have a lot of friends, from many different backgrounds, from all over the world, with varying beliefs, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt a friend. I believe in speaking truth, but I also believe in not causing pain.

But still, the nudge continued. So I asked myself, “is it possible for a Bible-believing follower of God to talk about the trans community without judgement, but in truth, with love, and in a way that conveys the Father Heart of God?”

Let me try.

Y’all, our world is changing, and it’s changing quickly, right before our eyes. Parents who try to shield their young children from homosexuality will find that difficult if they turn on their television at all, take their kids out in public, or even enroll them in school. You see, what was once taboo is now commonplace, and what might have been hidden merely twenty years ago, is now celebrated. The world is changing, and I think it’s possible to keep up with that without burying yourself in a time capsule underground.

I don’t claim to know everything. I can’t find my keys sometimes, much less the concrete answer to all of life’s dilemmas, but I do know where I go to try and figure it out. I go to God’s Word. There’s a whole lot in there, y’all, and it’s easy to pick out one scripture for our use at the moment without drawing from the truth of others. It’s like our Bible has become a Google search engine, and we enter in a single word, like one word is what makes a person who they are, and we aim that scripture at the issue. For example, you can easily find what the Bible says in regards to homosexuality, but you can utilize that verse without also carrying the commands like found in Corinthians to “do everything in love.” We can ignore the ones we don’t want to hear, like the one that says if you get divorced and remarry you’re guilty of adultery. Well, here I stand an adulterous woman.

When I looked at the depiction of half a woman and half a man, I didn’t feel anger. I didn’t feel righteous indignation as a Christian woman. Instead I felt sad. I felt sad for a human heart that wasn’t sure who to be. I felt sad that it has to be that way. I believe in the Bible where it says God knew us in our Mother’s womb, and that He knew us before we were even formed. In that belief I don’t think God would create specific physical parts but then place a different spirit within that same body. I just don’t. But then (I’m a nurse, after all) I’m reminded of babies that are born with both male and female sex organs. I’m reminded of babies born with deformities of all kinds. Would a loving God do that?!

No.

I think that’s the sin part. This world is far different from the one He created in the Garden of Eden. When sin entered the world, it changed everything. We brought on ourselves sickness, deformity, and sadness. Along came wickedness and people who hurt others. Mothers who don’t care if they neglect their children or harm them physically. Fathers who aren’t really fathers at all. Not like God intended them to be anyway. Fathers who wound their children physically, mentally emotionally, and who raise young men to continue their vicious, poisonous cycle. Sin brought us children who don’t know who they are, adults who can’t decide who they want to be, and people who change who they are hoping that becoming someone else will bring them love.

Love. That is what we are all lacking. When I can’t figure out how to approach a situation, even after reading God’s Word for guidance, I stick to love. The greatest command.

Love makes me cherish the young man who feels better dressing like a young woman. I certainly know that’s how God sees them. He isn’t standing on a cloud up high glaring in anger, posed to throw a lightening rod and holler, “I made you a boy!”

God sees the things we cannot see. God sees the heart of us all. He sees where we hurt, where we feel broken, and where we feel empty. After all, we are all cracked, vacant vessels eager for His love. Those of us (like myself) who have suffered with sexual immorality or alcoholism know all too well how feeling that need for something (love) can make us fill our vessel with whatever we can to feel better. Some fill it with food, becoming morbidly obese. Some fill it with drugs, ruining the lives of everyone close to us. Some will run through numerous relationships and marriages searching to cure the ache. Some will push people away, surrounding themselves with cats, and denying the need for human interaction at all. How about the wealthy man who builds his life on his pursuit of more? Is it not an idol in his life that actually breaks the Ten Commandments?

Here’s a thought. What if the divorced woman (me) is no different that the pedophile? Oh gosh, that can’t be right. What if the transsexual is no different than the girl who gets pregnant out of wedlock, the habitual liar, or the pastor’s wife who gossips at the lady’s meeting about so-and-so who’s not there?! Gulp.

“But Jesus said, ‘go, and sin no more,'” we say.

If only we could. It’s a sin issue, and this world is full of it. We are a broken people just struggling to feel like we’re worth something. The liar lies to make themselves sound better. The man leaves his wife to try and make himself feel happy again. The effeminate young man seeks a partner who will make him feel adored. We ink our skin (three tattoos here), we get plastic surgery (yep, guilty), and we dye our hair (got me again). We put on what makes us feel beautiful, maybe for the first time ever.

I’m not saying this is a sin, or this isn’t a sin; I’m saying it’s all sin. This world is chocked full of it. From the moment we get out of bed until we breathe our last breath, we’ll battle it. Every single person on this planet. It’s not just a sin issue, though. It’s an issue of lack. From the moment sin separated us from God we became lacking, and we’ve spent the last forever trying to make ourselves not feel that way. Thankfully, it’s not just sin that changed everything. Jesus came along, and He changed everything too! He’s that bridge to close the gap, and the best way to usher in His presence is to follow His greatest command He gave us. Love.

I don’t want the first reaction people perceive of me as a Christian to be one where I start highlighting sin in their life. I want them to see the Father Heart of God, and then He can lead them to His truth. That’s what He did with me. It’s what He does with me still! People will never be filled of their empty places by throwing them a Book of the Law, but they will be filled by the Holy Spirit’s wondrous love. And as you fall deeper in love with the Father, the desire to follow His laws come.

Even then, we will not find our complete and total wholeness until Jesus comes back. We can get closer (I’m living proof), but we won’t find all that we lack until Heaven. It’s a sin issue, and we are a busted, broken bunch. Every one. Sin makes God angry. You bet your bottom it does, but He never decides to not love us, give up on us, or turn His back on us because of our sin. He loves His children, all His children, even the children who don’t love Him back. I think sometimes as Christians we think Jesus only died for those who accept His sacrifice, but in reality He died for all, or in His words, even the ones “who knew not” what they were doing.

The forgiveness of sin is for Jesus to give, not the church. He gives out the pardon, and we better be glad, because 9 out of 10 of us have sinned twenty times today and don’t even realize it. I’m thinking that when we see sin around us we shouldn’t be eager to point it out in pride, or turn our nose in disgust, but rather we should have a broken heart like the Father, offer love like He does, and pray that we all may become more aware of the sinful nature we each reside in every day.

So here’s your sign.

John 8:7 (NIV) When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”

1 John 4:10 (NIV) This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.

What Christian Celebrities Falling From Grace Tells Us

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By no doubt now you have heard, read, or seen news of the most recent Christian celebrity falling from their pedestal place that the rest of the Christian (and secular world alike) kept an eye on. John Crist wasn’t the first, and he certainly won’t be the last. Just a couple of months ago we saw two other celebrity Christians denouncing their faith and coming forth with doubts about their religion. Why is it the ones we are all watching are the ones who make the loudest thump when they fall? What do Christian celebrities falling from grace so easily and in such large numbers tell us?

Well, putting aside the obvious, that we are all sinners, without perfection, and none of us are immune to falling down or failing miserably, there’s more to it. Yes, it would be easy to chalk it up to the human condition. Even Paul saw himself as the worst of the worst, even while serving in chains for His Savior, but I think we need to understand there’s more at play here. This isn’t just about the fact that we all will fall at one time or another. There’s so much more.

You see, I think we are witnessing a well-played hand. I think we are privy to the strategic move of an age-old enemy. I mean, do you think it’s a coincidence that a huge celebrity like Kanye West comes out boldly on fire for Christ as of recently, and somehow in the midst of that wildfire a popular voice in the Christian entertainment world falls flat on his face in public shame?! I don’t believe in coincidence.

Check it out, guys. We are in a battle. You may forget it’s there because you can’t always see the enemy, but I’m telling you, it’s happening. We’re on the battlefield. If you’re a Christian, understand that you are under attack. If you’re an outspoken Christian, be aware that you have a bullseye on your back. Satan wishes nothing more than to see you fail. That’s truth. He seeks to steal, kill, and destroy.

He’s stealing husbands from the head of their families through pornography. He’s killing babies before they leave their mother’s womb. He’s destroying the witness of Christians and Christianity each and every day. He’s tempting us with sex outside of God’s plan for marriage, and he’s deceiving us with promises of wealth. When God does something amazing for the Kingdom through one of His children, be prepared for the devil to try and upset the victory. This is why when you see a celebrity come forward in their faith for Christ, you are also likely to see a Christian brother or sister fall even harder.

Y’all, I believe God is doing something amazing in our world! I believe a revival is coming, and I am seeing an awakening of more and more to not simply “religion,” but to the importance of a relationship with Jesus. Have you noticed the increased popularity of Christian films? There are more Christian movies now than ever before. And y’all? There are some seriously good actors and actresses in these films now. What about the music industry? Leaving Kanye totally out of it, have you seen how our Christian artists are breaking through to the secular world? Last week I heard Lauren Daigle played three separate times on a secular station at work. God is moving!

Country stars are praying on national television, teen heartthrobs are becoming outspoken young men in love with Jesus, and sullen rappers are suddenly grinning from ear to ear, unable to stop talking about God’s goodness. God is moving!

I would imagine this would make the devil’s black blood boil with envy. How could a perfect God forgive such horrible humans with a track record of sickly sin? How could He pour out His favor on those who had their backs turned for so long?! Y’all, Satan doesn’t understand God’s grace. He doesn’t understand that we may fall, but that the good Lord can lift us back up. All he knows is how to knock us down, and when He sees God pouring out favor, he’s going to pull out the red carpet of temptation to transgression. When God moves, the devil is going to try and counterattack.

People of this world will see Christians (especially those in the limelight) “fall from grace,” and they will build false assumptions about our faith. This is really where we take the hardest hit. Our best strategy for the faith is to stand firm, not judging our brothers and sisters who fall (nor sweeping under the rug the seriousness and travesty of their sin and its impact on others), but praying for them and those they hurt, while simultaneously putting on our own armor. You see, it’s not just the celebrity Christians under attack. We are all susceptible to his schemes. We are all a target for evil, and as we have the advantage of seeing attacks on those in the spotlight, we must be especially in tune to how we ourselves can fall.

God is moving. I cannot stress this enough. And as such, Satan will also be on the prowl, set to steal families, kill witnesses, and destroy relationships. We, as children of God, must stand together, stand firm, and be ready. What does another Christian celebrity’s fall tell you? It should shake you to be ever ready, ready for the trickery of the enemy, ready to stand firmly in what God instructs for your life and the life of your family.

Here’s the thing. You can never fall so far that Jesus can’t scoop you up and cover you in His grace, redeem you, and heal you. But falling is really painful. And it bruises your reputation as an ambassador of Christ. Our goal should be to honestly and purposefully shine the light of Jesus. Our reputation and family name is important, and we must be on guard for attacks on that heritage and royal priesthood. It’s easy to let our guard down, but I pray that we can all see the fall of others as a warning that there is nothing good within us, nothing at all, except Him. Jesus.

We are at war, and our General is on the move! He is raising up warriors for His cause. The wonderful thing is we know how this is going to end. Spoiler alert. We win! Jesus is victorious. But until that final day, let’s decide we won’t be prisoners of war. If anything, let our eyes be open to the spiritual battle all around us, and may we stand firm until He whispers, “well done my good and faithful servant.”

I Never Did Mind the Little Things

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I turned to throw a used cotton-ball into the tiny, bathroom trashcan, and I suddenly noticed the huge ball of long gray hair. It sat on the outside of the swinging door entrance to the garbage, and I easily identified it as my husband’s since the rest of us were all crowned with differing shades of dirty dishwater blond. I could picture him standing in the small bathroom, running his fingers through his long, more salt than pepper hair, before gathering it into a tidy ponytail, and flinging the loose hairs that had caught between his digits towards the trash absently. Sigh. This was my husband.

I easily and quickly pushed the wad of forgotten hair into the awaiting can, while also depositing there any hint of frustration that had tried to rear it’s ugly head.

I never did mind the little things.

I smiled to myself as the line of a nineties movie staring Bridget Fonda came to mind. In the film she had been a thief turned government assassin, who subsequently had to be turned from a crack addict criminal into a lady of refinement (ain’t Hollywood grand), and her etiquette coach had encouraged her that when nervous to repeat the phrase to herself to remain calm.

I never did mind the little things.

Although I wasn’t hiding behind a small, kitchen counter loading my beretta while gunfire exploded around me like our dear Bridget, I could certainly relate to my emotions getting the better of me. And though it wasn’t my life I feared for, it was my marriage and family. Even though I couldn’t see the bullets blowing up around me, I knew that fiery arrows flew in my direction. As a child of God I knew it wasn’t flesh and blood I battled, but attacks from an enemy who sought to destroy the covenant of marriage. One very effective weapon of warfare in his arsenal was the missile of comparison and the smoke bomb of selfishness. As silly as it may sound, he brought both of those things stealthily into the atmosphere of marriage to create an air of discontent and division.

I never did mind the little things.

My defense was my ability to not take offense. In other words, when I felt nudged to selfishly compare myself to my spouse, I had to take inventory.

I had to ask myself, “is this really worth being bothered by?”

I had to remember my faults and not just highlight my husband’s.

My husband and I will have been married ten years this month, and I learned early on that we had our differences. Things I felt were important weren’t as much to him, and things that bothered me didn’t cause him concern at all. As we’ve grown as a couple over the years we have learned how to take the feelings of the other into consideration and act/react accordingly, but it’s not like we’ve changed who we are. We’ve become more loving, considerate, and selfless in our service to one another, but it’s not like we took a magic potion to suddenly become the perfect spouse. He wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t perfect, but most importantly, we didn’t expect that of each other.

A widow will tell you how she pines to find her late husband’s laundry outside of the basket. For the very things we may find at one moment as annoying are the very things someone else could only hope for. A dirty dish beside the bed is far better than a forever empty sink. It comes down to having a choice to make in your relationship. You can choose to focus on the minuscule madness or see it all as a beautiful mess. You can point out the idiosyncrasies of your spouse while ignoring your own, or you can celebrate having someone to share in the ups and downs of life. I’m not saying you ignore blatantly inconsiderate actions, silently taking abuse like some marital martyr, but I am suggesting we take a moment to calm our emotions and take an inventory of what is most important.

I never did mind the little things.

Is being right every time the most important? Is it winning every argument? Is it never picking up the slack when your partner doesn’t carry their fair share of the load, assuming that you yourself never falter in such a way?

If you answered yes to the above then marriage will not be enjoyable to you much of the time, because instead of a partnership, you’re viewing it as a competition.

Perhaps a happy union means that you decide to let the little things go. Maybe it means serving someone in love while expecting nothing in return. I think it involves changing your perspective, highlighting the positive, rather than magnifying the minor faults that arise. I don’t see a ball of discarded hair or a pile of dirty clothes as much as I see a loving man who makes me feel beautiful always, who serves me consistently, who teaches and disciplines our children with grace, who would lay down his very life for us.

I never did mind the little things.

Because I’m too focused on the big things. I see to the heart of the matter rather than being distracted by the things of this world. I don’t expect perfection of my spouse. The only perfect man died for me over 2,000 years ago. But I will appreciate the man God has placed in my life to love me, my faults included. I’ll be thankful he adores me despite those same faults. I’ll be grateful that he too never did mind the little things.

When Jesus Tells You to Put Out Deep

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I come from a long line of fisherman; not by trade, but certainly not just for pleasure. What I mean is, my kinfolk wanted to catch something when they went fishing. My grandpa was known for his ability to reel in a huge haul even when others couldn’t get a bite. He took pride in knowing the waters, what time the fish were biting, and what bait best caught which fish. He was an expert at his trade, and he knew how to always bring home a full basket of fish.

Me? I didn’t inherit that specific skill. It’s not that I didn’t like fishing. I quite enjoyed it. I just wasn’t that great of a fisherwoman. I’d go home empty handed a lot, but it didn’t really bother me. See, I didn’t so much want to catch fish as much as I just liked fishing. I can think back on sweet Summer afternoons, a book in hand, draping the line between my bare toes, so if I got a tug I’d know. I was too busy reading to watch my bobber, and as you can imagine, I got my bait stolen more than not.

Not catching a big bass or catfish was just fine for me sitting out on the lake across from where I grew up, but when you start talking about bigger fish, well, it’s a different story. This morning I was reading in the Book of Luke about some guys who fished for a living. In fact, these fellas had been fishing all night. The bad part was they weren’t catching anything. They had the boat, they had the net, and they certainly had the desire, but their haul for this particular excursion had been paltry.

Suddenly, though, Jesus offers them a specific instruction, and when I read it the words were like an electric shock up my spine.

Jesus had instructed, “put out into the deep and let down your nets for a catch.” (Luke 5:4 ESV)

It got me to thinking… Jesus was telling me to put out deep.

How many times are we in that boat, we have the desire to do God’s will, and we even have the right equipment, but we can’t seem to net a result? Perhaps it’s because we haven’t yet put out into the deep.

Y’all, there is nothing wrong with the shallow end. I like it, personally. It’s safe. You don’t get tired from treading water, and you can always see the bottom. The shallow end is known, comfortable, and you get plenty wet swimming there. But I’ve found that sometimes to really swim you have to go out to the deep end. To catch fish you have to stop being distracted and pay attention. You just do. And if Jesus is telling you to go deeper, you won’t be satisfied until you do.

Almost two years ago Jesus told me and my husband to go out deep. I even wanted to do it, too, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t scary. A lot of people we loved tried to talk us out of it. They didn’t want us to drown, and I get that. We just knew that Jesus wanted us to fill His nets more than we could do in the shallow end.

We had to leave the familiar town, jobs, and family support systems we knew. In fact, just to make sure we didn’t get cold feet, the Lord pushed us into the deep. He took away the security of the familiar, forcing us to step out in the move He had placed on our hearts. We left a failing business in search of better employment, but that doesn’t mean we could see the bottom. The deep can be murky. Faith keeps you swimming.

We traveled a thousand miles with a pickup truck of suitcases, and a reservation at an extended stay hotel. It was the size of our previous living room, and the rent almost three times our mortgage back home!

I questioned, “how could this be God’s Plan?!!”

But still He whispered, “let out into the deep.”

Y’all, I had scoured the internet prior to leaving for Florida and I couldn’t find anywhere to house a family of five within our budget. The housing assistance with my travel company was no help. They quoted me a $13,000 bill for a three month lease with what they found! No one wanted to do a short lease, or they were charging more than I could afford. It was so much more/worse than I had bargained for, and after another fruitless day I had broken down into hopeless tears. I couldn’t for the life of me fix this particular problem, and that’s when I knew deep down in my Spirit that I had to stop trying.

So, we had left our home with no concrete housing solution. We had enough money in the bank (from selling all of our possessions) to last in that hotel maybe a month. Still we put out deep. We knew that’s where we would net what God had for us.

Have you ever experienced one of those crazy coincidences, like, where one step leads to another? I don’t believe in luck or coincidences, but I do believe in a faithful God. Within a week and a half of housing my family in little more than a broom closet, in the worst section of downtown Orlando, God led me in one specific direction for a housing solution. Of the thirty people I emailed, one replied. She replied to tell me she couldn’t accommodate us, but she did have a suggestion of someone who might could. That suggestion led us to not only a bigger space, but one that was in a safe area, in a gated community, at 1/4 of the price we had been paying, with our own yard and a community pool. I had exhausted every ounce of what I knew to do, but God led us exactly to what we needed. And it ended up being better than anything we could have manufactured on our own.

Many times God has exactly the answer we need. He has the exact solution to our dilemma, but He cannot present His solution until we put out into the deep. He cannot throw us a lifesaver until we leave the safety of the shore. We’re crying for a catch, but we’re refusing to let down our net. We’re not happy with splashing around in the kiddie pool, yet we’re afraid to cross the rope into the deep end.

He’s saying, “let down into the deep.”

We weren’t happy, you see. Back then. We weren’t happy with the way things were, we wanted something different, and we wanted God to lead us to new things. But we were also hesitant.

We’ve been fishing all night and haven’t caught a thing!

That’s what Simon said. But then he remembered what He knew about Jesus. He decided, well, if He says do it, then I’ll do it. I’ll let my nets out again, but deeper this time. I’ll trust that what He instructs me to do will work, even though I’ve already done everything I know to do.

Y’all, God is still calling us deeper. Each day we become aware of more areas of our life where we’ve been trying to do it on our own, but it hasn’t been netting the results we desire. We’re realizing that we have to keep putting out into the deep. It’s still scary, but the thing is, we’ve seen the kind of fisherman Jesus is. He does it for pleasure and for the fruit. He gets joy from the harvest. When you let down where He leads, trusting His instruction and provision, the result is always more than your boat can hold!

This post alone cannot hold all the specific, miraculous instances where God provided for us financially, protected us physically, or sustained us emotionally through the last two years. It’s been amazing, and subsequently we’ve become stronger swimmers. Listen, I’m not saying you have to follow our lead, sell all your possessions, and take off to new places. But I am suggesting this. If you’ve been praying for a change or asking God for something in particular, and you’re just not seeing any result, perhaps ask yourself if He is calling you to let out into the deep. Ask yourself if He is calling you to trust Him deeper, get to know Him further, seek Him at new depths, or simply to stop thrashing about in the waves like He’s not able to save you. The thing is, when Jesus tell you to put out deep, you need to be ready to drop your net.

When You’re Not Feeling It

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I stood in the cool arena and I closed my eyes. I could feel the music vibrating in my bones, and I felt light shining even though it only beamed on the stage. I raised my arms, lifted my heart as well, and felt the heaviness of my day fall away. I could feel His Spirit, something I had prayed for in the shower that very morning, knowing my feelings opposed me. Man, feelings were the worst. I mean, they were good when they felt good, but when they felt bad… watch out.

As I stood beside my husband at a Christian concert I felt that river of joy floating through me that can only be explained by attributing it to Christ. What I mean is, if I were to go with my mood for the day, my hands certainly wouldn’t be in the air in a celebratory fashion, and my heart wouldn’t feel so light and airy. In contrast, if it was not for the spirit of Jesus in me, my heart would feel quite heavy. It was just one of those days.

I had felt short with the children. Everything they did, basically, annoyed me on this day. I had to be intentional in my kindness, persistent in my patience, and consistently in prayer for God to help me.

Yep, it was one of those “Lord, help me” days. Sound familiar?

Yet as I stood in that theater, the contentment in my soul a continent apart from how my emotions had been steering me thus far that day, I realized it was the worship that had shifted the atmosphere within me. As if in agreement the lead singer suddenly spoke along those same lines.

He said (in his adorable, thick Irish accent), “I know for many of you in here it’s not a day of celebration. You’re not feeling it today. But that’s okay. God can meet you wherever you are.”

His words rang true to my spirit, but they also complimented a recent sermon my pastor had preached.

Pastor Jason had said, “worship is your weapon,” and I knew this to be true.

If we only worshipped when we were “feeling it,” what kind of act was that really? Worship was a weapon of warfare, but it was also an act of love. It was a service to the King of My Heart. It was an expression of my commitment, a concrete example of my affection, a display of my faith in Him. You see, worship was warranted even when my circumstances were less than stellar. It was needed even when they stunk. Especially then. For in my worship I proclaimed truth. In my worship I said, “you are God, and you are good.”

In my worship I said, “no matter how I’m feeling, you are always constant, always faithful, always kind.”

In my worship I was setting up stones of remembrance, like in the Old Testament. They would create an altar of rocks placed where God had done something wonderful, miraculous, something where they didn’t deserve such goodness. It was a place where they celebrated His sovereignty, a moment they never wanted to forget. It was in these same memories, where scattered stones lay in my mind, that I could recall His kindness and miraculous hand in my life. It was this knowledge, past, present, and future that stirred me to worship Him, even if the current ground I stood on was shaky. The fact was I served a certain God in uncertain times. Worship was my way of acknowledging that.

Last night, as I stood alongside my spouse, in a public arena worshipping the One True King, I was miraculously transformed from the place where I relied on my feelings, to the place where I stood firmly on truth. In this place I could sing, dance, shout, raise my hands, or even sit silently in His presence. In this aura of worship I could praise His name, His solid name that never changed, that stood the test of time, and that remained constant despite my changing mood or circumstances. In my time of “not feeling it,” I worshipped Him still. I worshipped Him because He deserved my praise, and in that declaration of love He transformed me to a new place. A place where I realized that quite unexpectedly, I was suddenly “feeling it” after all. It wasn’t that worship was dependent on my “feeling it;” quite the opposite, in fact. It was that I worshipped in love, regardless of my feelings, but that somehow through worship He brought me the best feeling of all.

One Thing Christians are Missing About Kanye West

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I know I wasn’t the only one shocked when Kanye West came out publicly declaring his newfound Christian faith, and if I’m brutally honest, upon first hearing the news I responded with a raised eyebrow. I mean, when someone has a prior reputation that doesn’t exactly mirror what the Bible teaches, you kinda wonder. When their life wasn’t previously known for being Christ-like, you have your doubts. But then I remembered I had a past too. If paparazzi had blasted photos of my prior escapades across the glossy pages of gossip mags, you wouldn’t put an iota of stock into any word I wrote here. My past would define me; not the God who had saved me. To the world, anyway.

I then realized the only difference between me and Kanye (other than he raps and I write) was our sphere of influence. And maybe that my past was more sordid. Regardless of who was the bigger sinner, our main distinction came in the fact that Mr. West was a huge celebrity, whereas I had 2,100 people subscribed to my email list. So, while everyone was questioning his conversion, no one had really noticed mine ten years ago.

The fact was, though, that I wasn’t alone in my initial doubt of Kanye finding Jesus. Most people were shocked and skeptical, but while we were busy questioning a man’s motives, he was busy proclaiming the gospel. And while we were carrying out God’s role alone of judgement, Kanye was letting his light shine, no matter the cost.

See, here’s what all the questioning Christians are missing. While we’re busying ourselves with condemning a man who only God can truly see, we’re missing out on the important business. Mr. West, though, is not. He seems to be the only one focused on Kingdom purposes concerning His salvation. The Christian world is questioning his sincerity, but Kanye is questioning his fellow man’s eternity.

I discovered a couple of years ago that we are all on the mission field, no matter who you are. As a nurse I’ve cried with a clinically depressed man after a failed suicide attempt, and I’ve also told a drug addict it’s not too late for her. I’ve set up a safe escape plan for a sex trafficked woman, and I’ve supported too many people to count through their grief. So while I’ve clinically saved physical lives in my job, I’ve also spiritually saved more than my fair share. I have been the only light of a Christ someone has known, and the first loving care they’ve experienced in years. I’ve cared for the homeless without disdain, for the HIV patient without judgement, and the criminal with as much compassion as I would any VIP. In fact, my only regret is that it took me so long to realize the ministry God was placing before me each and every day.

I guess the question is, how many of us are raising an eyebrow as Kanye talks about Christ, yet we don’t mention the Lord in public at all? How many of us are calling him a fake, but we can’t even call the people around us who need help a friend? How many of us are focused on watching to see if Kanye will fall, but we ourselves are slipping? How many of us look at him with skepticism, but meanwhile we remain silent for Jesus out of fear?

You know what? I have no idea if Kanye West is sincere in his faith. I have an idea, based on his countenance and things he’s said, but I don’t really know. You see, it’s not really my concern; that’s between him and God. But here’s what I do need to be concerned about. My. Own. Actions.

Do you want to know what Christians are missing about Kanye West?

His testimony.

He exists in the public eye. His fortune has been made far away from the church. He has a lot to lose, according to the world, and he knows it more than most. Even in his lyrics of his new album he mentions that his record won’t be bought because he’s singing about Jesus. A large number of his fanbase will fall away, and he doesn’t care. He’s focused on the ones who will stay, the ones who will listen, and the ones who will come to know Christ through his conversion.

Meanwhile, you have Sally, the every Sunday church-goer afraid to mention she’s a Christian at work. You have children of God who are saying nothing about their Father. They’re taking their blessing and holding it close, sharing it with no one. The sad part is most of these people are like me, out of the spotlight and public eye, with little to lose for proclaiming God’s goodness, yet they’re still choosing to go about their life like spreading the gospel doesn’t matter. Meanwhile Kanye is doing nothing but talking about God’s glory.

Do you want to know what Christians are really missing concerning Kanye West?

They are missing the harvest. Like the Bible tells us, the harvest is ready, ripe for the picking, but the workers are few. Y’all, we don’t have to be pastors to talk about Jesus. You can talk about Jesus as a nurse, stay-at-home mom, bank teller, or famous rapper! You don’t have to be at church or on a foreign mission field to lead people to Christ. You can do it at work, school, at a restaurant, or in the public spotlight. The very judgmental and unforgiving public spotlight.

So instead of wondering if Kanye is sincere, or betting on his “fall from grace,” let’s focus on how we can be more like him. Let’s throw caution to the wind, turn from the world, let go of the comfortable, step out into the unknown, led by faith, and tell people how good God is. Shout it from the rooftops. Since we’re not on TV and radio, shouting jubilantly might be necessary. Lol. What I’m saying is, let’s not look at what Kanye may not be doing and celebrate what he is doing. He’s testifying to how God changed his life. He’s telling everyone!

Really, the only thing we need to think about Kanye West is to let him serve as a reminder to us of this question. When is the last time we told someone (much less everyone) what God has done for us?

I Don’t Identify as a Woman

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I’ve heard this in the media a lot lately, and last night as I sat slightly uncomfortable in a huge gathering of women, I felt it.

I don’t identify as a woman.

As hard as I have tried over the years, especially in high school, and as much as I may want it to be different, I just don’t feel it. I don’t. I don’t guess I’ve ever identified as a woman.

A couple of weeks ago I sat in church and they announced an upcoming Women’s Conference. The video made it look very appealing, but there was that large part of me that was like, “nah. I’m good.”

See, I’m not really a joiner, especially where women are concerned. I don’t fit in, I never have, and many years ago I stopped trying. I just wasn’t like them. I couldn’t get into the whole “girls’ night out,” and I didn’t trust ladies any further than I could throw them. Which isn’t far. Because even if they’re little, I’m really weak. But I digress. The point is, well, I’m going to be very honest here. I don’t like females.

Ok, I love being a woman. I love having daughters. But somewhere between being the new kid in third grade and being the butt of a bully’s angst in high school, I decided I could take it or leave it where female friendships were concerned. Actually, leave it. Definitely leave it.

The thing is, God has really been dealing with me. He’s been teaching me new things over the past couple of years, stretching me, and taking me to new levels of trust with Him. Selling all my possessions and moving my family of five 800 miles away from all our extended family and friends? No problem. Taking on a job with zero insurance or paid time off? Easy peasy. That same travel position having no security of employment and income or knowledge of where the next job would come from? Bring it on! But stepping out of my turtle shell of introversion? I’m sure that wasn’t the voice of God.

So when I heard about the Women’s Conference I was of two minds. One said, go, but the other said hide.

“Oh, man. I work a shift at the hospital that day. Too bad,” I thought, with little upset.

But dang it. Still that feeling nagged me to go.

“Okay, God,” I prayed. “I’ll try and see if I can get off work. If you really want me to go, make it work.”

I challenged Him, and of course, He challenged me right back. I got the day off easily, no matter how much I told my boss, “I know this is last minute, so it’s ok if you can’t…”

Despite my dislike of most women, because let’s be honest, we’ve all lived through our own version of the Mean Girls movie, I do have a handful of trusted women in my life. It just so happened that most of them were my immediate family, and the rest were a thousand miles away. Undeterred, I went ahead to the conference alone, the Holy Spirit my plus one, and I asked God to use it for my growth.

Immediately upon arriving I realized there were women everywhere. I didn’t know any of them and I really didn’t like crowds, but I checked in with a smile and went to find a seat. I found a back row with a few open spots, settled into one, then was kindly asked to move over so a group of friends could sit next to their friends. I moved into the one empty seat, directly behind a large column blocking my view of the stage. I got up quickly and repeated this same sidestep seat swap another time before finally finding a vacant spot where a group of women were kind enough to let me linger.

At that moment I felt so alone in that big crowd. I watched women laughing and socializing with one another. I smiled brightly, watching, waiting, hoping for someone I could try and engage, but still I felt like an outsider. I had always felt that way. I had never fit in. I had always been the weirdo, the one other women talked about when I walked away. It had taken me years, decades even, to stop trying to fit in. I had finally, at forty, come to a place in my life where I was happy with how God made me, I wasn’t going to try and change for anyone, and I didn’t care what anyone thought! Ha. I felt peace with me. So why was God upsetting the balance?! Why push me to (I shudder) hang out with others.

The preacher was no better! He had said something six months or so ago that started this thorn in my side. It’s like he had been staring straight at me when he said God wanted us loving others, building relationships, and stepping out of our comfort zone. He deflated my balloon of intimate introversion, going so far as to say it wasn’t of God. Well, crap.

Next thing I knew God kept building on that, putting desires in me to join Outreach teams and small groups. All things that were outside of my wheelhouse. My safety net, my equally shy and shut-in spouse, he was no help. In an out of character for him fashion, he readily agreed to my suggestions of “getting involved.”

As I sat in that church last night, my wounded flesh wanted to scream, “I don’t belong here!” That bullied, flat-chested, anorexic teenager in me wanted to dwell on having no one to sit by or being ignored and pushed aside.

Instead I spoke in a whisper, “not today, satan.”

Y’all, I’ve never identified as a woman in that, I’m not like most. I have been hurt, and I’ve been pushed into my warm cocoon. I’ve made my circle so small that it no longer has room for God to work in my life the things He needs to work. So, He’s been calling me out of my circle of safety. He’s been calling me to step out and (gulp) make friends. Female ones! I’ve never identified as a woman in that I haven’t been able to enjoy or relate to the value of female friendships that other women seem to revel in. I feel God calling me to different ministries, but it seems you have to actually be around other people for that to work. Sigh.

It’s comical sometimes the things God can do to bring you where He wants you to be. Especially when you ask Him for it. He can make a borderline hoarder (I’m talking about myself, by the way) sell all their stuff, and take a scared girl (in a forty-two year old body) out of her shell. So, I’m open to that.

I haven’t ever been able to identify as a woman (not like other women, anyway), and even now it’s hard for me. But I see God moving. I see Him changing my heart. I see Him chiseling away the walls I’ve built. So last night I may have sat on the sidewalk alone, eating my nachos, praying someone would come talk to me, but I also made my way over to a group of ladies I knew, carrying a dessert, and starting a conversation like a bonafide normal person. I even hugged a few women and signed up for a ladies group.

I haven’t always been able to identify as a woman, but I do know that I’m God’s girl. And I’m starting to see all the sisters before me that He’s placing in my path.